i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
