I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
