my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
