PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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