You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I didn't notice because vodka
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
