I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
