i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
