Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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