You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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