Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
