The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
