She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
