At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
