I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
