epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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