I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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