We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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