After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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