this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize