oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize