Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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