All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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