i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
