Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
