she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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