all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize