my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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