she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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