I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
