On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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