i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
