I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
zippers are such a cool invention
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
