I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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