WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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