I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
