On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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