highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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