dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
