I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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