Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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