You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
