Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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