So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
