Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
