Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
This is the high leading the old right now
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
