My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
