Pappa wants mamma naked
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
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