I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
