only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
