i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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