you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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