i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
