Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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