Duck Duck Cougar?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
