my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
